Being Content and Finding Peace

Several months ago I was looking through the realtor website. This is something I do on occasion so that I can look through the rooms and try and find decorating inspiration. Basically only when RMS isn't working- it's a nice fall back. This particular day, however, I came across a house that literally made my heart skip a beat. I opened up the picture and instantly fell in love. It was the house in my dreams that I had always envisioned but had never actually seen until that day. Since I was about 12 years old I have been fascinated with old houses and always wanted to buy one and fix it up. This is the house I had always pictured living in.....

A beautiful front porch for our antique wicker furniture and huge green ferns hanging in every arch. It is a big house with over 1,800 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 2 & 1/2 baths, formal living and dining room, den, huge kitchen and a laundry room on the first floor. The woodwork, fireplaces and staircase are amazing especially considering this was originally built as a farmhouse back in the 1800's.

It sits on almost 2 acres of land (which is unheard of in this area). And even comes complete with it's own red barn. I always wanted a barn.

I obsessed over these pictures for so long and talked about this house so much that one night my husband came home and said "Put your shoes on- we are going for a drive." We loaded the kids in the car and drove deep into the country. It was the most beautiful drive down these old, country, beat up roads- most of them gravel and rutted from heavy rain. We passed barns and mini farms with cows, chickens, pigs, horses and llamas. We hit the breaks several times to let deer cross in front of us and saw silly squirrels chasing each other on power lines. It was like driving through a little piece of heaven on earth. I kept looking at the clock and with every passing minute my heart sunk further and further into my toes. You see, my husband is a manger- a "director of maintenance"- for a large apartment complex. He is the go-to guy in charge of several employees, contractors, sub-contractors, 27 buildings, almost 400 suites and all that goes with them. With this job comes a few requirements- one of which is that he has to live within 15 minutes of his property, should an emergency arise. As I stared at the clock we had already been driving for 22 minutes and still not to our destination. We pulled up to the house at 32 minutes, pulled in the driveway and just stared at the gigantic white farmhouse that- at this point- my husband too wanted to call his own. We pulled back out onto that narrow country road to head back home- both of us with a heavy heart and not saying much on the way home. After 20 minutes had passed I broke the silence with "The next time it comes up for sale we will buy it!" My husband looked at me with that look- the look of shock like that was the last thing he expected me to say. "Sure!" I said cheerfully, "We might not be able to get it now but the next time it goes on the market we may be able to get it then. And by that time it will have a new roof and we won't have to worry about that." My husband smiled. He knew I was serious. And as much as I longed for that house- I was serious and as I said those words I seemed at peace with what I was saying. It is hard to want something so bad that your heart aches.

I want one of these too.....

But I drive one of these.........................

Is there anything wrong with my van? No. I just don't care for it. It is reliable, it holds a lot of people and flea market finds but it is just not me.

I was watching the news not too long ago and saw a story about a family who lost their house due to a fire. They had insurance but didn't realize it wasn't good enough- it barely covered the payoff of their mortgage. She was a stay at home mom and her husband had just gotten laid off. They had 4 small children and no family around to help them- they were living in a shelter. When the news anchor asked how they were doing the father answered "We have each other and our faith in God and that is all we really need." I sat on my couch sobbing and thinking to myself : Heather! You selfish brat! These people have lost everything and they are content just being with each other. I have everything but my everything isn't good enough for me? We are very fortunate......... my husband works for a wonderful company that treats him like gold, we live in the most beautiful 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment for free- as a perk from my husband's job, I have a vehicle that I can depend on and know that when I turn the key it is going to start and get me to where I need to go. I have clothes on my back and food in my fridge. Most importantly I have a wonderful husband who loves me and beautiful, healthy, happy children. It was at that time when I decided I needed to reevaluate my priorities. All of the things I was longing for were just that- things. Materialistic things. Were they going to make me any happier than I already was? No. But I was actually making myself unhappy from wanting these things so badly that I forgot about the wonderful things I already had. And I know that if I wanted these things bad enough my husband would find a way to get them for me and make it work. I was walking around feeling sorry for myself for not having these things that I thought I wanted.

It is amazing how we are spoken to sometimes. You go along for so long with one train of thought and one day something smacks you in the face and snaps you back to reality. We can choose to be unhappy, we can choose to not be content, we can choose to walk around feeling sorry for ourselves. I realized that I didn't want that farmhouse or that Cadillac because I really really wanted them- I wanted them because I thought they would define who I was. Like they were going to make me a better person- a more respected person, a happier person. When I realized I was wanting these things for all the wrong reasons I started soul searching and tried to figure out what I thought was so wrong with me. It is a daily struggle, something that is always going to require work and something that is going to be awhile before it is completely resolved. But I can tell you that so far- it is working. I am finding happiness in the little things. I am keeping a journal and everyday I write down things I am thankful for. It is amazing how writing these things down can change your mood and your outlook!!! It is more clear now how blessed I really am! I am feeling more peace about who I am and where I am-in body and in spirit- and that is better than anything money can buy.

~Heather :)

Nesting the Need for Change

Within the last few months I have been making a lot of changes in our home. Okay, actually a lot of changes may be the understatement of the year. Maybe more like total, chaotic, borderline catastrophic upheaval. Yeah. I have always had a love for cottage style- always. Before I even knew that cottage was a style I loved it. I have always been attracted to chippy paint, antique furniture, vintage linens, old faded quilts, etc. I love that all of these things have a past and a story (or many stories) to tell. I decorated my daughter's room in a shabby chic, cottage style and every time I walk in her room I love how I feel. I wanted to incorporate that same feeling into the rest of our home but I didn't know how. We live in an apartment- not a cottage. I have always tried to decorate in a style that "fits" the apartment but it never really "fit" my personality. So one night my husband said "If you want to do cottage then do cottage. You are a good decorator- you can make it work." Oh if he even knew what those words meant and how serious I would take him he probably never would have said them! I discovered Craig's List and quickly took pictures of our dining room furniture, our leather sectional sofa, coffee table and end tables, bedroom furniture etc. posted the ads and sold everything!!! We bought a new slip covered sofa, dining room table, china hutch, antique dressers for our bedroom, etc. My darling husband took it in stride and never complained the first time about all the work and moving that had to be done. (I told you he was the perfect man!) So now we have the furniture, we just have to add the finishing touches which are always the hardest thing for me- but we are getting there. I am loving the way everything is coming together.
Some of my friends and family blame it on the pregnancy and the desire to "nest" but it isn't that at all. I believe that decorating your home is a very personal journey deep into your soul. You learn a lot along the way- about yourself, the way you live, the way you want to live, and how certain items or colors make you feel. For years I fought my style. I decorated according to what I saw on tv and what I thought "fit" the style of the many apartments that we have lived in. All the while I was drooling over cottage magazines and collecting ideas into a scrapbook. I feel like I have finally come into my true style and it fits me and my family perfectly. Antique dressers and chippy painted furniture- let the kids beat them up more! Spill your chips or your milk on the sofa- I'll take the slipcover off and throw it in the washer! I find that I am so much more relaxed with the decor now as it is much more child friendly than what we had before. And that is something I definitely need!
So until I "finish" the other rooms and get to share them (like a room is ever done?) I will share with you my daughter's room. The room that started this whole journey and havoc-wrecking "renovation".
This is the first room that I didn't make everything from curtains to bedding. I actually found the Shabby Chic collections at Target and fell in love with them. I can't remember how many we mixed but I love how it all looks together. We went on a mission last summer for an antique iron bed and finally found one. It needed some work and had multiple layers of paint on it. My husband surprised me by refinishing it and bringing it home one night. At the same store where we found the bed we also found the cutest little vintage hats that are hanging from her shelf.....


And this adorable tea cart that serves as a nightstand and a place to hold all of her special quilts. I filled the lamp base with flower petals......

Just another view of the room.............

She loves tea parties and when no one else wants to play she sits the bunnies on the chairs and serves them!

And her curtains- probably one of my favorite things in the room. They are three layers- pink crushed velvet, floral cotton, and white sheers. I love how the sheers blow in a summer breeze...

So, there you have it. The room that inspired me. Now the rest of the apartment isn't going to have a lot of pink in it as I am trying to keep my husband in mind but we will be throwing a lot of "girly" in there! It is after all Cottage Style! I will post rooms as I complete them. I am on a serious deadline though so I better go get busy!!
Wishing you all inspiration in whatever you are doing!

~Heather :)

A Wonderful Mother's Day

I had the most wonderful Mother's Day weekend! Yes- I said weekend. My husband tends to spoil me a bit on holidays so I have "holiweeks". he he Friday night when he came home he had Tony Roma's take-out! My favorite. Saturday he came home from work with these...

Didn't he do good?? Then he gave me the most beautiful card that made me cry. And he and the kids gave me this.....

A gift card to Wal-Mart to buy more flowers for our little balcony garden! So we all got ready and headed to Wally World! The kids were a big help. My son was extremely selective and not wanting to pick any flowers up that had brown, dried up buds on them. My daughter however wasn't quite as picky. Needless to say we went over my "budget" but my husband didn't seem to care. He is such a good man! So we ended up with all of these....................

And my son picked out these cute little flowers because he liked the blue pots!

And I ended up with 5 hanging baskets with purple petunias and yellow pansies. They are all hanging from my balcony overhang as I couldn't wait a minute after walking in the door to hang them up!

My flowers bring me so much joy and I love sitting out on the balcony just staring at all of the beautiful colors.

We end up with pink and purple petunias every year. It's not because they are my first choice but because there is a special meaning behind it. The year my husband and I got married was crazy! All spring and summer we were planning for our late July wedding. A week or so before the wedding I wanted to make our apartment and balcony look nice for all of the out of town family that would be coming in. I needed my flowers! So, exhausted one night, my darling husband-to-be and I drove to Home Depot, Lowe's and Wal-Mart looking for flowers. Everyone was out of everything. Wal-Mart had these sad little pink and purple petunias left over in hanging baskets that had been cracked and potting soil was spilling out. The flowers were definitely over halfway dead. They were on the cart to be thrown away. Needless to say I talked the manager into buying all 5 hanging baskets for $6 and took them home. I think he and my husband both thought I was nuts. I nursed them back to health and by the end of August the flowers were so full and overgrown that they were actually hanging down in front of the balcony below us! So, every year my husband and I make sure we have pink and purple petunias for our garden- no matter what. It was just one of those special memories that you like to keep alive. A new tradition that started because- like some things in life- you are left with no choices. You make lemonade and it turns out to be sweeter than you had planned.

I felt like a queen this weekend. My husband always has a way of making me feel like I am the most wonderful woman in the world and this weekend was no exception. I found myself praising God for all of my blessings- big and small. My husband and my children are among my greatest blessings and it was so nice to feel like they were blessed by me as well.

I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day like I did!

I Love My Job!

I remember back in high school our guidance counselor used to come into our home room on occassion to have us fill out questionare forms. The forms would have questions like: What are your plans for after graduation? What college do you plan on attending? What will you major in? What career path will you choose? Where do you see yourself in ten years?
On one particular occassion he started asking random students to answer questions from the form. He asked me where I saw myself in ten years. "Happily married with children." I answered proudly. "Yes, but what will you be doing as a career?" he asked. "I am going to be a stay at home mom, sir." Again, proudly. The guidance counselor started laughing, causing the majority of the students in the room to follow suit. I sat there feeling embarressed. Why is he laughing? What did I say? What is wrong with my dreams?
Once he regained composure he asked (with sarcasm in his voice) "And you think that you are going to make any money or get satisfaction from that?" My embarressment turned to anger from his mocking. "Satisfaction- yes. Sir" Was my blunt and red- faced response. A response that caused him to shake his head while turning his focus to the next student whom he would dote with pride over choosing some type of engineering career.
Unfortunately not a lot has changed since that day in high school. There are some people, who,upon finding out what I do think me being a stay at home mom is very admirable. A "most difficult job with no pay". While others are borderline or just plain rude with responses like "And you enjoy that?" (huh?) or "Oh I bet you can't wait to get back to work." (uh, where did I go?) or- my all time fav- "What do you do all day? Don't you get bored?" It is that question that always awards my response "Oh, it's hard to get bored when you are on call 24/7." (enter fake laugh here) There are times when I walk away from those comments feeling less than an inch tall. Like being a stay at home mom puts up some sort of shield that makes you invisible because once they find out what you do you are no longer good enough to take part in their conversation. And there are times when I feel inferior to these people who work outside the home. They get to dress up in their nice suits and go sit in their own private cubicle and eat fancy salads for lunch. I envy the fact that their well put together outfits are probably not covered in peanut butter or snot everyday by noon. I envy the fact that they get to carry on adult conversations for at least 8 hours a day and jam to their car stereo during rush hour traffic- listening to any radio station they want! What I don't understand is, I never judge women for working outside of the home-in fact I respect the fact that they have made that decision. Most of them work in jobs that others of us depend on. But why should I get judged because I have decided to stay home with my kids? I have people depending on me. But honestly- my personal satisfaction does not have to be justified. All it takes is one look at my children to wash all of my insecurities away. I listen to my son who is singing a new song I just taught him. I watch my daughter finally master that puzzle that she has been struggling with. I look around at my clean house before turning off the lights for the night and feel like I accomplished what I set out to do that day. My days are not filled with soap operas and bon bons. More like Blues Clues and cheerios. But that is ok with me. Because what I get to wake up to every morning, and the things I get to do make it all worth it.

I get to cook and bake. I have the best Chef's assistants.......



I get to see funny faces (and make them too).......

And messy faces...........

I get to help them explore and discover..............

Help feed their imagination and watch the wonder in their eyes..........

Now my days are by no means filled with all fun and games. I have days where nothing seems to get done, the kids are constantly fighting and my husband has to come home and wait for dinner- or go back for take-out. But that stuff is not important. I don't make any money but I do get something better. I get "paid" in hugs, kisses and "I love you mommy"s. So while some women are happy climbing the corporate ladder I am content with climbing the bunkbed ladder looking for the missing bedtime buddy. And no matter how difficult my days are- waking up to this everyday............

Is so very well worth it!

Happy Mother's Day!!!!!

Mommy Guilt

Mommy Guilt. If you are a mother then I am sure that this term needs no definition and that you have probably felt this at one time or another. If you are like me, you have experienced this feeling on almost a daily basis. There are days when I fly around with my cape and feel like I have had a great day with my kids- the Supermom Days. And then there are those days where I end up laying down in bed and night with a lump in my throat and thoughts racing through my head. Thoughts like: Did I answer all of their questions today? Did I give them enough hugs and kisses today? Did I respond to that wrong? Should I have been so short when my son spilled his ketchup covered hot dogs all over the floor? It was afterall an accident and he is, afterall, just three. His motor skills are still developing. It is thoughts like these that will keep me from falling asleep and lay awake for hours wondering if I should go wake my kids up just to tell them I love them. And the idea of waking my sleeping children from their peaceful rest would just put me further away from the Supermom category. So instead, I go into their rooms and watch them sleep, kiss their foreheads and go back to my room promising myself that I will do better tomorrow. Now I am pretty new at this mom stuff. My son isn't even 4 years old yet so I know I have a lot to learn- and I do learn everyday, right along with my kids. I understand that I am never going to be "the perfect mom" in my head or anyone else's, and that I can't do everything right everyday. But it is hard. I am hard on myself-my husband tells me that everyday.
Well, yesterday was one of those days. The kind of day where you wish you would have just stayed in bed and let the day pass you by. (Like it is even an option?) I woke up with a terrible sinus headache- the worst I have had in years- and a backache. But at five months pregnant that is to be expected. My head hurt so bad that it was hard to focus my eyes. I had finally reminded my husband the night before to pick up laundry soap because we had been out of it for 4 days. Four days is a long time to be out of laundry soap in our house considering I do an average of 3 loads of laundry a day. So you can imagine the mountain of dirty clothes that was piling up in my room. It was obvious from the moment my kids got up that they were going to have a bad day too. They came busting out of their "gates" ornery and full of energy.......attacking each other all of the way down the hall. Now they didn't do anything that would rate as bad or awful, they were just being rotten, getting on each others nerves, doing stuff to irritate one another, spilling everything you gave them, stringing toys from one end of the house to the other. And the way I was feeling- there wasn't too much I tried to do to control it. Afterall, they have to learn to solve their own problems and conflicts- right? I made them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. Again. (enter mommy guilt) And as I was loading my fifth load of laundry into the washer my son was standing at the baby gate in the kitchen (where the laundry also is) jumping up and down and pleading "Come play ring around the rosie mommy! Come one! Come on!" "In a minute honey. Let mommy finish this load." was my response. Needless to say I got distracted by the pile of dirty dishes in the sink that needed to be loaded into the dishwasher. My son came back "Mommy mommy! Come play ring around the rosie with us!" "In a minute honey, let mommy finish this real quick ok." This time I heard an almost silent "ok" coming from a cracking voice. I looked up to see my son's shoulders slouched down as he walked away from me and sat on the couch. My daughter crawled up and sat beside him and laid her hand on his leg. My heart was breaking. Mommy guilt was pouring in now. The flood gates had broken and there was no way to stop it. I stood there and stared at my son for a couple of minutes. I couldn't believe how big he looked sitting on the couch, holding the remote. He was like a little man. Then I looked at my daughter sitting beside him. She knew from the look on his face that he was broken hearted and went to soothe him. How did this happen? How did they get so big? And what am I doing about it? Dishes and laundry! The same dishes and laundry that have waited the last four days for me! I decided that they would just have to wait another day. I don't want to get to my children's high school graduation and think- did I do enough? Oh who knows but the dishes are done! I want to enjoy and savor their childhood before it is too late. I want to spend time with and play with my kids while they still want me to. I walked into the living room and shouted "who wants to play ring around the rosie!?!" My children's eyes were the size of grapefruits and the biggest smiles spread across their little faces. After 12 rounds of spinning around and falling down I was ready for something new. We did puzzles, we played with blocks, we pretended to be farmers. And then it was time for nap. Yeah! Nap time! Neither one of the kids wanted to lay down. They were exhausted and I knew it but they did not want to surrender. It was a fight. An exhausting fight, but eventually they all calmed down. I came out to the kitchen, starred at my laundry mountain, feeling guilty again for making my kids take a nap. A nap they NEED. A nap that I need for a break. Enter mommy guilt once again. My supermom moments had all been washed away within a five minute nap time battle. And as I sorted clothes to start yet another load it hit me smack in the face. Every mom probably experiences mommy guilt. But I am allowing this mommy guilt thing to take over. It is controlling what and how I raise my children. I think mommy guilt is a good thing- like anything else, in moderation. I think it reminds us to stop what we are doing and play that game or do that puzzle before we turn around and see our kids walking on stage for that diploma. But I think that it is just one more thing that we need to be cautious of too. I have talked to my cousin who lives out of state about this subject so many times. She has children similar in age to mine and we are very close in age as well. We have acknowledged that we set ourselves up for an overwhelming amount of stress. And we admit it! We decide to do something and we are going to do it better than anyone who has come before us. We are both stay at home moms- so that makes for a lot of trouble. We have it in our minds that we need to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect housekeeper, the perfect chef. And where does all of this striving for perfection actually lead us? Failing at all of the above and stressed out to the point where no day at the spa would help. In a recent conversation we realized that in order to be good (not perfect) at these things we have to find a balance. We have to let the laundry go while we play with the kids. We have to let the kids entertain themselves with crayons and paper while we get dinner ready and on the table and try and catch up on hubby's day. And if they happen to use those crayons on the wall while you are mincing garlic for that new chicken dish............ well, it's gonna just have to wait until later to be cleaned up. I will never be the perfect mom. As a matter of fact, I don't think I want to be. I want and need to be imperfect for my children. I want them to see me make mistakes, get behind on chores, lose my temper, cry because my heart is broken, and spill my food at the dinner table. I need to be able to teach my children through my actions that you don't have to be perfect, that it is ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. And afterall- nobody's perfect. Everyone's imperfections is what makes them who they are. So- Mommy Guilt- I am on to you. Watch out! As for now........... I am going to go play. Ring around the Rosie, pocket full of posies................................... :)

Here We Go.....

Hello Everyone! This is my first post and as simple as it may seem it has really been a hard one to start. What should I say? What do you say in a first post? This is what I have come up with...

First of all I have to give a very special thanks to my friend Rue over at Rue's Peanut Butter and Jelly Life who, without her- this blog would have never been possible. She inspired me to create my own blog and held my virtual hand through the set-up process. Thanks Rue! What a doll you are!

Why Blog? I decided to do this blog because, after seeing many blogs, I thought it looked like a lot of fun and a nice way to meet some wonderful people and keep in touch with friends and family that are far away. I can use it as an outlet to share my decorating progress, recipes, pictures and random ramblings with family and friends.

A Little About Me: I have been married to the most wonderful man for almost 5 years now. He is truly my best friend, my soul mate and the inspiration for everything I do. There is not a day that goes by that I don't love him more than the day before. I am a stay at home mother taking care of my home and my two wonderful, energetic children. I have a son who is almost 4 years old and a daughter that just turned two. We are expecting our third child late this summer. I love to cook, decorate, sew, refinish furniture, do laundry (crazy-I know) and most importantly- spend time with my family. I don't lead a life that most people would consider to be exciting - but for me- "normal and boring" is just fine. My days are filled with chasing and playing with my children, doing housework, making meals and doing my projects. I love projects and my to-do list rarely has less than 30 items on it. However, I am also a terrible procrastinator and when I do get started I bounce back-and-forth between multiple projects until after awhile........ all of my projects are done at the same exact time. This makes my husband nuts but this is who I am and have been for years and it works for me.

How I came up with my blog name: This was another difficult thing for me. A name is so important- a name says so much about who you are. I bounced ideas around for a long time and then narrowed it down and fired them at my less than enthusiastic husband. (One of the reasons I love him so much is because he is dead honest with me and makes me challenge myself in my creative process to figure out what I really want.) None of the ideas I had come up with were striking well with either of us and then he asked the magic question: "What do you want the name to say?" I started thinking about that. And then it hit me. My blog won't have one specific content other than common ground through my life as it is. What do I want the name to say about me and my life? And then I thought about my children- my life's purpose. As much as I try and teach my children, whether it be numbers, letters, colors, manners, cover your mouth when you cough, they are actually teaching me!
I was on my way to the doctor's office with my children the other day and as we were driving down the road my son kept pointing out every flower and tree that he saw. He was SO excited! I kept my eye on the road ahead and just kept saying "Uh huh. Pretty." Eventually he realized that I wasn't really paying attention and yelled "No mommy! Really really look! Aren't they beautiful?" I finally snapped out of my driving daze and started looking around and realized the beauty that Spring has brought us. He looked at every tree and individual flower as a separate object- I saw them all as a group. When we arrived at the doctors office and started walking through the parking lot my daughter stopped to pick something up. It was a small rock. And with a "Wow!" she dropped it back in the small puddle she had retrieved it from and- giggling- picked it up again and repeated the game. Sometimes I get in the "zone" where I am concentrating and focused on one thing and one thing only- or multiple things as a whole. (Oh the laundry is piled up! Oh it's 4:00 and I haven't started dinner yet! Oh I have to get these curtains done today.) I can lose track of everything and everyone around me. I have my eye on the prize and determined to cross the finish line in record time. My children have taught me- and are still teaching me- to slow down and pay attention. To "really really" look. To look for fun and beauty in everything, everyday. I remember playing hopscotch as a child and having so much fun. No cares in the world and just living in the moment. I remember feeling the wonder and contentment in all of the "small things". Hydrangeas are my very favorite flower. That vivid punch of clustered color is a reminder of a promise and that spring has arrived. Everything is new and fresh and waiting to be discovered and enjoyed. Hopscotch and Hydrangeas- finding fun and beauty in the everyday.