Mommy Guilt

Mommy Guilt. If you are a mother then I am sure that this term needs no definition and that you have probably felt this at one time or another. If you are like me, you have experienced this feeling on almost a daily basis. There are days when I fly around with my cape and feel like I have had a great day with my kids- the Supermom Days. And then there are those days where I end up laying down in bed and night with a lump in my throat and thoughts racing through my head. Thoughts like: Did I answer all of their questions today? Did I give them enough hugs and kisses today? Did I respond to that wrong? Should I have been so short when my son spilled his ketchup covered hot dogs all over the floor? It was afterall an accident and he is, afterall, just three. His motor skills are still developing. It is thoughts like these that will keep me from falling asleep and lay awake for hours wondering if I should go wake my kids up just to tell them I love them. And the idea of waking my sleeping children from their peaceful rest would just put me further away from the Supermom category. So instead, I go into their rooms and watch them sleep, kiss their foreheads and go back to my room promising myself that I will do better tomorrow. Now I am pretty new at this mom stuff. My son isn't even 4 years old yet so I know I have a lot to learn- and I do learn everyday, right along with my kids. I understand that I am never going to be "the perfect mom" in my head or anyone else's, and that I can't do everything right everyday. But it is hard. I am hard on myself-my husband tells me that everyday.
Well, yesterday was one of those days. The kind of day where you wish you would have just stayed in bed and let the day pass you by. (Like it is even an option?) I woke up with a terrible sinus headache- the worst I have had in years- and a backache. But at five months pregnant that is to be expected. My head hurt so bad that it was hard to focus my eyes. I had finally reminded my husband the night before to pick up laundry soap because we had been out of it for 4 days. Four days is a long time to be out of laundry soap in our house considering I do an average of 3 loads of laundry a day. So you can imagine the mountain of dirty clothes that was piling up in my room. It was obvious from the moment my kids got up that they were going to have a bad day too. They came busting out of their "gates" ornery and full of energy.......attacking each other all of the way down the hall. Now they didn't do anything that would rate as bad or awful, they were just being rotten, getting on each others nerves, doing stuff to irritate one another, spilling everything you gave them, stringing toys from one end of the house to the other. And the way I was feeling- there wasn't too much I tried to do to control it. Afterall, they have to learn to solve their own problems and conflicts- right? I made them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. Again. (enter mommy guilt) And as I was loading my fifth load of laundry into the washer my son was standing at the baby gate in the kitchen (where the laundry also is) jumping up and down and pleading "Come play ring around the rosie mommy! Come one! Come on!" "In a minute honey. Let mommy finish this load." was my response. Needless to say I got distracted by the pile of dirty dishes in the sink that needed to be loaded into the dishwasher. My son came back "Mommy mommy! Come play ring around the rosie with us!" "In a minute honey, let mommy finish this real quick ok." This time I heard an almost silent "ok" coming from a cracking voice. I looked up to see my son's shoulders slouched down as he walked away from me and sat on the couch. My daughter crawled up and sat beside him and laid her hand on his leg. My heart was breaking. Mommy guilt was pouring in now. The flood gates had broken and there was no way to stop it. I stood there and stared at my son for a couple of minutes. I couldn't believe how big he looked sitting on the couch, holding the remote. He was like a little man. Then I looked at my daughter sitting beside him. She knew from the look on his face that he was broken hearted and went to soothe him. How did this happen? How did they get so big? And what am I doing about it? Dishes and laundry! The same dishes and laundry that have waited the last four days for me! I decided that they would just have to wait another day. I don't want to get to my children's high school graduation and think- did I do enough? Oh who knows but the dishes are done! I want to enjoy and savor their childhood before it is too late. I want to spend time with and play with my kids while they still want me to. I walked into the living room and shouted "who wants to play ring around the rosie!?!" My children's eyes were the size of grapefruits and the biggest smiles spread across their little faces. After 12 rounds of spinning around and falling down I was ready for something new. We did puzzles, we played with blocks, we pretended to be farmers. And then it was time for nap. Yeah! Nap time! Neither one of the kids wanted to lay down. They were exhausted and I knew it but they did not want to surrender. It was a fight. An exhausting fight, but eventually they all calmed down. I came out to the kitchen, starred at my laundry mountain, feeling guilty again for making my kids take a nap. A nap they NEED. A nap that I need for a break. Enter mommy guilt once again. My supermom moments had all been washed away within a five minute nap time battle. And as I sorted clothes to start yet another load it hit me smack in the face. Every mom probably experiences mommy guilt. But I am allowing this mommy guilt thing to take over. It is controlling what and how I raise my children. I think mommy guilt is a good thing- like anything else, in moderation. I think it reminds us to stop what we are doing and play that game or do that puzzle before we turn around and see our kids walking on stage for that diploma. But I think that it is just one more thing that we need to be cautious of too. I have talked to my cousin who lives out of state about this subject so many times. She has children similar in age to mine and we are very close in age as well. We have acknowledged that we set ourselves up for an overwhelming amount of stress. And we admit it! We decide to do something and we are going to do it better than anyone who has come before us. We are both stay at home moms- so that makes for a lot of trouble. We have it in our minds that we need to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect housekeeper, the perfect chef. And where does all of this striving for perfection actually lead us? Failing at all of the above and stressed out to the point where no day at the spa would help. In a recent conversation we realized that in order to be good (not perfect) at these things we have to find a balance. We have to let the laundry go while we play with the kids. We have to let the kids entertain themselves with crayons and paper while we get dinner ready and on the table and try and catch up on hubby's day. And if they happen to use those crayons on the wall while you are mincing garlic for that new chicken dish............ well, it's gonna just have to wait until later to be cleaned up. I will never be the perfect mom. As a matter of fact, I don't think I want to be. I want and need to be imperfect for my children. I want them to see me make mistakes, get behind on chores, lose my temper, cry because my heart is broken, and spill my food at the dinner table. I need to be able to teach my children through my actions that you don't have to be perfect, that it is ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. And afterall- nobody's perfect. Everyone's imperfections is what makes them who they are. So- Mommy Guilt- I am on to you. Watch out! As for now........... I am going to go play. Ring around the Rosie, pocket full of posies................................... :)