This Is Real

My walls are beige. Well, they aren't really beige- they are actually cream. Hazelnut Cream to be exact. The color of coffee creamer whipped to wall covering perfection. There is a dust bunny at the corner of the fireplace and a dark spot on the carpet by the sofa. How did that get there? Will it come clean or is it a stain? Hmm, wonder what I could use on that. I will have to google "removing stains from carpet" and see what they suggest. I should have made my curtains about an inch longer. Maybe I will just have Marc move the rod down an inch. Does it matter though or could I live with it? I have a lot of stuff piled on my counter top in the kitchen. Looks cluttered.............I can't stand clutter. My bedroom is shrinking. I have too much furniture in there but it is all necessary for the time being. That room didn't turn out at all as I had envisioned it. The bedding is nice though. Yeah, I really like my bedding. I still need some euro pillow forms for my shams though. I'll have to add that to my list of things to get. I should have finished that room because it is going to bug me now. Don't really have time though, let alone energy.........................In my attempts to "rest" and "behave myself" lately I have had a lot of time on my hands. A lot of time to look around at my "four walls" and find all of the imperfections and see results of not being able to keep up with my usually anal-retentive cleaning acts. I've had a lot of time to think. Although it is encouraged for people to think and expand their minds and knowledge....... right now the act of thought is not working in my favor. I have busied myself for the last several months decorating my apartment, working on painting projects, sewing projects, organizing everything I can slap a label on and even things I can't. All of those projects have been done, and some had to be put on the back burner for fear of pushing myself into early labor. Now- I think. This is why I need projects. Marc and the kids put baby stuff together the other night. They assembled the bassinet, the bouncy chair, the baby gym, the car seat, etc. As I sat on the couch with my feet up, looking around at all of the newly assembled items making my living room now feel claustrophobic, I realized.................THIS is real. This is really happening- and soon. I suddenly felt extremely overwhelmed. A large lump grew in my throat, my entire body felt numb and I was on the verge of tears for the rest of the evening. I am going to have three children. We are soon going to be a family of five! Three..............five................those numbers suddenly sounded very big. Not even just big but enormous! Unrealistically huge! What am I going to do? How am I going to raise three children? I only have two arms and two hands! Up until now I have had an arm for each of my children and a hand to hold a hand a piece. I can't grow a third arm! Maybe I can have one surgically attached. Maybe I should call around to plastic surgeons and see if any specialize in third arms. Yes, I know.........I am crazy. I worry too much (or so I have been told) but these fears are justified! Right? Three kids is a lot of responsibility. I know in my heart that I will have enough love for three kids............. my love expanded from one to two after my second child was born so I know it will expand again with three. But it's the other stuff I worry about. Will I have enough patience with three? Will I have enough time to give them each individual attention? Will I have enough strength and energy to devote myself to three kids all day everyday? Is our apartment going to be big enough? Because it already feels ten times smaller and Cali isn't even here yet! Is the noise going to get so loud that we upset our neighbors? Would they tell us if it did or would they keep it to themselves and secretly hate us? How is Kyle going to react when we have to move him to the back seat of the van to make room for Cali's car seat? How am I going to reach him when he is clear back in that seat? Should we move him now or wait until we bring Cali home? And Bella..........she has jealousy issues now when Daddy holds her little cousin...........how is she going to do with the new baby? Are her feelings going to be hurt? Will she comprehend when we tell her we still love her as much as before? Will Kyle and Bella take to Cali and be as close to her as the two of them are now or will she be excluded from their little club?Is Cali going to be healthy, will she have 10 fingers and 10 toes? Will she be a demanding baby and make the kids resent her? Am I going to get enough sleep to keep up with my children?Again, this is why I need projects. Pre-Baby jitters, perhaps? Raging hormones more than likely? Or is it the fact that I have done this twice before? I know what is coming. I know that when you add a child to your family the work and responsibility doesn't increase by one...........it increases much more than that. But the joys and the laughter also increase. The blessings mount, the memories created are bigger, the pride grows stronger. The other night the kids had a ball getting ready for Cali. Kyle wanted to be involved in every minuet detail. Bella is still unaware of exactly what is about to take place though. But she was happy to pitch in and help. [Photo]And "test" all of the new products out to make sure they are safe for her new baby sister...[Photo]She actually thought everything was for her I think![Photo]And after referring to the directions more times than I have ever seen my husband refer to directions (he usually doesn't use them at all!)............[Photo] They were all very proud of the finished products. And I was very proud of the three of them! It melted my heart to see them all work together on projects for Cali. That baby girl is very loved already and we haven't even officially met her yet. I just pray that they continue to be excited once she gets here. I know that each of us are going to have our days and moments but we will all get through it- together. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful or like I do not want another child because I do. I am very grateful and thankful to be welcoming another child into the world. My children ARE my life, they are the center of my universe. I just worry about what kind of mother I will be with three kids. I wonder if there is going to be enough of "me" to go around. I want to give my children the best and let them know how much they are loved and appreciated.Maybe I do worry too much. There is a line in a Tom Petty song that I have been thinking of lately "Most things I worry about never happen anyway" and I think that is so true most of the time. I worry and worry about things that never come to be. And then I realize how silly it was for me to waste my time worrying............. especially when I need to spend time trying to google carpet stain removal and decluttering my counter!!~Heather :)